Let's Talk January: Advice on Arguing!

[mithen]

mishagirl asked for any advice on meeting 'the one' or finding love in general?

Oh, ugh, on the topic of meeting someone I'm utterly useless, because it's been so long since I've dated (I have not dated since the World Wide Web came into existence, so...yeah) and most of my pre-marriage relationships were pretty feckless things that I fell into largely in disbelief that someone might be interested in me so I'd better go for it. :P I can, however, talk a little bit about what I think helps maintain my relationship (I guess keeping love is a big part of finding it, right? Right?)



The skill that I've had to work on a lot is an ability to "go meta." That is, to step back and step up above an argument and talk about what the issues are that are causing it. I don't know about you guys, but personally I always end up arguing with my partner about the most ludicrous things, and then we both get angrier because we KNOW it's a stupid thing, but then we've backed ourselves into corners and can't seem to get out of them. Like, let's say (purely hypothetically!) that I'm having an argument with my partner about the fact that...say...I tried to make hummus and I ruined it because I misread the recipe.

"How could you ruin something so simple?"
"Look, I'm sorry. I just forgot I halved the recipe but didn't halve the liquid. It's no big deal, right?"
"Of course it's no big deal, but didn't it even cross your mind that it seemed like a lot of liquid for that amount of chickpeas?"
"Look, I said I was sorry! Why can't you just let it drop when I make a mistake, why have you got to harp on it endlessly?"
"I don't think it's harping on something to ask twice what you were thinking."
"Well now it's three times and you're definitely harping!"
"You get so defensive so fast! I can't even mention you made a mistake? We have to pretend you never make mistakes?"
"If you're so damn perfect you can make the hummus yourself! I'm sure yours will be flawless!"
"Okay, you're being irrational and--"
"Oh, don't you dare!"
[angry glaring all around, compounded by everyone feeling ridiculous because this is an argument over literally TWO DOLLARS WORTH OF INGREDIENTS]

Well, obviously this isn't an argument about chickpeas and olive oil, not really. But at this point there's no getting out of it and we both feel really trapped. When we're busy and stressed and don't have the time or energy, we usually just leave it there and walk away and let it fade out, and that's fine, but it doesn't help deal with underlying problems in the long run. What usually has to happen to really get through these kinds of ridiculous dead ends is that one of us has to take a deep breath and say "I'm sorry. Wait. I think I'm reacting so strongly because my father always used to make fun of me for failing at basic household tasks, and so I feel helpless and react kind of childishly." Or "Hold on. I think we started to go wrong because I've been feeling guilty that I wasn't helping with dinner, and I so I kind of snapped at you." Even just saying something like "Wait, we're both really tired and worried about your mother's surgery right now, that's making this hard" helps a lot to give a kind of...emergency exit door out of the corner you feel backed into.

Of course, you both have to be willing to take that emergency exit and not continue to hammer on the other person, but that's my advice for those awful squabbles where both of you want out but it can be hard to find a way to defuse everything.

Or, you know, you could trick the other person into thinking they're going to die in two minutes so they'd better tell you how they really feel. :P < /sherlock >

Comments

[mekare]

LOL, arguing about hummus! BUT, I know situations like these and this is so important!

Or, you know, you could trick the other person into thinking they're going to die in two minutes so they'd better tell you how they really feel. :P < /sherlock >

GAH! I am going to finally watch episode 1 tomorrow!!!!!!!!

[mithen]

GAH! I am going to finally watch episode 1 tomorrow!!!!!!!!

I'm so sorry, that was not a "tiny" spoiler at all, I just gave it only a tiny amount of space! But it sounds like you enjoyed it anyway, so I'm happy. :)

I AM VERY EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED TODAY. Like, breaking into sniffles at work emotionally compromised, oh dear.

[mekare]

You know don't worry, I didn't even really perceive that as a spoiler! And I throroughly enjoyed the episode anyway, as you said.

Emotionally compromised, oh God your colleagues and students are afraid, aren't they? ;-) I understand what you mean. I am glad I can stay home today and only have to revise for my exam... But the temptation to rewatch the episode ten times is very strong... I will resist! *shakes fist* *breathes* I am strong I am strong I am SHERLOCK!!!!!!

[alltoseek]

The "going meta" bit I've had to become expert at, because dealing with my kids requires it.

So I can tell you that the very first sentence of your example exchange is where things went wrong: "How could you ruin something so simple?"

Why is the person asking being so critical? That "question" isn't helpful at all - it's just an attack, a mean-spirited one. So no wonder you get defensive. So I guess when you are feeling defensive, instead of responding to the content, respond to the style: "Uh, you sound really angry about this. I feel like I'm being attacked - like you're calling me an idiot. Is that what you meant?"

And then maybe they'll respond: "No, of course not! It's just really frustrating because I'm starving and we still don't have any dinner!"

And you can go from there more productively.

So what you mean by "going meta" is responding to the tone or the style of what someone else is saying, instead of the content. Anytime you can hear really high emotions in what someone says or what they say isn't phrased in a useful manner, that's the time to "go meta" - respond to the tone or style.

You can do this for yourself when you hear yourself saying things you don't mean or becoming really emotional too. But it all takes practice. Works wonders when you do it though. Really amazing.


About "finding love" I have no clue. Always found mine at work - co-workers. But this thing came up recently that drove me crazy - evidently someone over at tumblr wrote a post about "being twenty and never having loved/been loved" or something like that. Hello - why the hell would you expect to have found "love" by the time you are twenty? Why are you worried if you haven't? This isn't the 19th century anymore where you need to be married by 20 or you are an old maid on the shelf! JFC people! My first serious relationship was at 23 and my "true love" at 29. And I probably got lucky! Stop obsessing! Go out and enjoy your life! Love will show up when it is supposed to!

I heard a 14-yr-old complaining that she'd never had a boyfriend. She thought she was a complete failure at life because she hadn't had a boyfriend yet at 14! 14!!! Good god the pressure society puts on people it's nuts.

So I guess my advice would be: Enjoy life! Go out and do fun things! Open your heart to everyone around you! Love will come...

[mithen]

You can do this for yourself when you hear yourself saying things you don't mean or becoming really emotional too. But it all takes practice. Works wonders when you do it though. Really amazing.

It is REALLY hard not to just run when it when you get in the wrong mode, but I like the way you put that, about "saying things you don't really mean" and how that's usually a sign that you need to take a deep breath and respond to tone rather than words.

But this thing came up recently that drove me crazy - evidently someone over at tumblr wrote a post about "being twenty and never having loved/been loved" or something like that. Hello - why the hell would you expect to have found "love" by the time you are twenty? Why are you worried if you haven't?

*grin* Being on Tumblr has been a fascinating experience for me in terms of getting to see just how young fandom is, and how that skews certain perceptions. For a 20 year old, it means they've lived their whole life without love, whereas older people are more likely to go, "Even if you THINK you've been in love at 20, there are good odds you haven't really." :)

14, my God...I don't remember feeling that kind of pressure at that age, it must be awful!

[alltoseek]

I had plenty of crushes during my teens - none of which were returned *g* And then their were boys who had crushes on me that I didn't return - just hadn't meshed with anyone. But I didn't worry about it. I didn't feel like it was vital that I find TEH ONE (or even ANY one) during my teens. Dunno if it was my generation or I was weird or what, but I was all - oh, it'll happen sometime...