The "going meta" bit I've had to become expert at, because dealing with my kids requires it.
So I can tell you that the very first sentence of your example exchange is where things went wrong: "How could you ruin something so simple?"
Why is the person asking being so critical? That "question" isn't helpful at all - it's just an attack, a mean-spirited one. So no wonder you get defensive. So I guess when you are feeling defensive, instead of responding to the content, respond to the style: "Uh, you sound really angry about this. I feel like I'm being attacked - like you're calling me an idiot. Is that what you meant?"
And then maybe they'll respond: "No, of course not! It's just really frustrating because I'm starving and we still don't have any dinner!"
And you can go from there more productively.
So what you mean by "going meta" is responding to the tone or the style of what someone else is saying, instead of the content. Anytime you can hear really high emotions in what someone says or what they say isn't phrased in a useful manner, that's the time to "go meta" - respond to the tone or style.
You can do this for yourself when you hear yourself saying things you don't mean or becoming really emotional too. But it all takes practice. Works wonders when you do it though. Really amazing.
About "finding love" I have no clue. Always found mine at work - co-workers. But this thing came up recently that drove me crazy - evidently someone over at tumblr wrote a post about "being twenty and never having loved/been loved" or something like that. Hello - why the hell would you expect to have found "love" by the time you are twenty? Why are you worried if you haven't? This isn't the 19th century anymore where you need to be married by 20 or you are an old maid on the shelf! JFC people! My first serious relationship was at 23 and my "true love" at 29. And I probably got lucky! Stop obsessing! Go out and enjoy your life! Love will show up when it is supposed to!
I heard a 14-yr-old complaining that she'd never had a boyfriend. She thought she was a complete failure at life because she hadn't had a boyfriend yet at 14! 14!!! Good god the pressure society puts on people it's nuts.
So I guess my advice would be: Enjoy life! Go out and do fun things! Open your heart to everyone around you! Love will come...
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Date: 2014-01-07 05:39 am (UTC)So I can tell you that the very first sentence of your example exchange is where things went wrong: "How could you ruin something so simple?"
Why is the person asking being so critical? That "question" isn't helpful at all - it's just an attack, a mean-spirited one. So no wonder you get defensive. So I guess when you are feeling defensive, instead of responding to the content, respond to the style: "Uh, you sound really angry about this. I feel like I'm being attacked - like you're calling me an idiot. Is that what you meant?"
And then maybe they'll respond: "No, of course not! It's just really frustrating because I'm starving and we still don't have any dinner!"
And you can go from there more productively.
So what you mean by "going meta" is responding to the tone or the style of what someone else is saying, instead of the content. Anytime you can hear really high emotions in what someone says or what they say isn't phrased in a useful manner, that's the time to "go meta" - respond to the tone or style.
You can do this for yourself when you hear yourself saying things you don't mean or becoming really emotional too. But it all takes practice. Works wonders when you do it though. Really amazing.
About "finding love" I have no clue. Always found mine at work - co-workers. But this thing came up recently that drove me crazy - evidently someone over at tumblr wrote a post about "being twenty and never having loved/been loved" or something like that. Hello - why the hell would you expect to have found "love" by the time you are twenty? Why are you worried if you haven't? This isn't the 19th century anymore where you need to be married by 20 or you are an old maid on the shelf! JFC people! My first serious relationship was at 23 and my "true love" at 29. And I probably got lucky! Stop obsessing! Go out and enjoy your life! Love will show up when it is supposed to!
I heard a 14-yr-old complaining that she'd never had a boyfriend. She thought she was a complete failure at life because she hadn't had a boyfriend yet at 14! 14!!! Good god the pressure society puts on people it's nuts.
So I guess my advice would be: Enjoy life! Go out and do fun things! Open your heart to everyone around you! Love will come...